I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
