so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
