AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
