Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
