i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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