dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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