He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
