I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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