I wish I could punch you in the face.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
My vagina is officially offended.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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