I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
