i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
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