I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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