You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
