you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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