here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
40s are totally the cure
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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