Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
