Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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