Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Floor bacon is actually really good
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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