Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
All the doctor said was why
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
