what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Can you bring me the toilet please
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
