There was a lot of him and a little penis
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
