They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
