she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
