I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
