dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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