The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
