thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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