Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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