Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
