She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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