fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
