sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
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