the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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