I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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