Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
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