I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
