i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
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