I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
