just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
