I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
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