He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
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