How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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