I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
