I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
