eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
