I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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