Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Randomize
