but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
