i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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