i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
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