Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
